What will they think of me?

I had a thought today. If I were to die today, what would my children think of me?

When I divorced their dad, he was quick to tell them that I was doing this to him. He was the victim. I just wanted to see other men and I didn't want to work on the marriage. It didn't matter that I had been trying to work on our marriage for several years before giving up and so was no longer interested when he was "ready" to work on our marriage.

My children just know that I hurt him horribly by divorcing him. I was the mean one. I was the one who broke apart the family. And my x makes the children feel as though they are betraying him by loving me.

So if I were to die today, my 13 year old daughter would probably live with him. I can't imagine that she would see my relatives again because that would not be convienent for my x to keep in contact with them. Besides that he has a new girl friend now who has taken over his life. So between the two of them, my daughter's grandparents--my parents, would be an imposition to visit.

And I already hear from my daughter the lies they (my x and his friends) tell about me. I can only imagine my daughter would come to know me as a selfish tramp.

My son on the other hand, is going to be turning 21. He is angry with me. He knows what I went through (to a certain extent) being married to his father, but his father has made sure to bring up certain things about me and make them issues with both of my children. And then there is that terrible thing I did with my son--I didn't pay as much attention to him after my daughter was born. I feel very bad about it. I don't have any excuses for it. The last time my son was in town he didn't want to go with me to see my sister and folks. My x had to convince him to come with us.

You have children for so many reasons--to love them, teach them, pass on something of yourself, etc. I think at this point, my name would be like a swear word to them. How awful a feeling is that?!